i'll start wearing purple

ughh. i have been at the coffeeshop since 8 this morning working on this fucking damn paper. and by 'working' i mean i have written one and a half paragraphs. its due in four hours. i cannot do this.

giorgio bordello is telling me to start wearing purple for him now. it reminds me of last week when kelly and i went to the anza club for tight & bright, a party for the langara grad students. one of whom is my cousin cole, who i haven't seen in at least seven years. i was standing amidst the sea of spandex and pink tights, wondering whether he would even recognize when suddenly somebody was hugging me. one thing at least facebook is good for - people know what you look like now. probably the only thing it is good for, at this point. it was amazingly wonderful to see cole, and to talk to someone about my father's side of the family for once. we were both wearing purple skinny jeans. we even had a moment when we were standing talking and drinking, both scratching our heads with the same hand like a mirror image. you can't tell we're related. i found it awesome that we were very much alike after all this time. "i always thought you were the shit" i told him "you were always older and cool". "i always thought you were eleven" he said. apparently he's going on a tour of japan next year. see what i mean? the shit.

i can't do this. i've stopped caring about school. i've stopped caring in general. i don't know if its this damn rainy weather, or the fact that i've been in school for the past three months, or exhaustion from two jobs, or the past few weeks without a smoke (except for yesterday). maybe i miss home more than i thought. maybe i shouldn't really be in this program right now. maybe i should actually talk to people from calgary, even though i go out of my way to avoid talking to them. maybe its all these fucking money troubles i've been having. maybe i should just take a clue from the guy next to me and watch Futurama on my laptop for an hour in the coffeeshop.
that sounds nice.

overwise, wasted

it is 8:00 at night and i have not looked at the 1500 word paper due at 1:00 tomorrow. i am just not motivated.

i have to burp like nobody's business. i also have garlic breath from the awesome instant mashed potatoes i just had. that was the first dinner i've had in ages. i had the worst weekend. worst. weekend. friday night i was head usher again at a show...after the head usher disaster i was stressed to the max. then i missed my bus. the rest of the show went fine, apart from the FOH driving me insane. saturday i worked an extra three hours. saturday NIGHT i went to bryce's for his going-to-PEI-for-a-month-soon party. it was fun, singing with drunken maritimers trying to rap for a bit. after they left bryce and i had a little dance party in his living room. which turned into the couch. which turned into the bed. when suddenly a condom appeared.
i freaked out. "bryce i am NOT sleepin with you now" i said. i met you two weeks ago. this is the third time i have seen you. i don't even know you. what followed was the world's worst conversation which i don't ever want to have again. i didn't mean to give the wrong impression; i just assumed that someone i am not even dating and who calls me a "good friend" wouldn't think that we are going to have sex now. then again, there are plenty of people who have no problem with that. i am not one of them. he told me that maybe we should do this another time...the timing is all wrong. maybe we shouldnt do it at all.
"bryce" i said "are you telling me you don't want to hang out anymore because i won't put out?"
that's not it all he said. some people arrived. everybody got drunk and high. i had to work at 7 in the morning, and i was scared. the entire situation freaked me out. i sat in bryce's room and cried. i took a cab home at 5:30 in the morning after bryce passed out next to me. "here's twenty dollars...for your cab" he said, handing me a bill. "i don't want money right now...i am not a whore" i told him and left.

i got home at 6. i had a shower, changed, and was at work by 7:30. i worked til 1:30. i was up for 36 hours. i hated it.

i think i'm getting an ulcer

sometimes i really don't understand the entire university system. i may have missed something here, but it seems to me that giving assignments so big i have to skip class in order to finish them seems like a step backwards.

i do have work this weekend. the ladies at reitman's are really nice. that doesnt mean i won't want to kill myself after my seven hour shift on saturday. oh, and i just found out that my tuition is six hundred dollars more than i thought. i just about had a meltdown in boyd's class the other day and actually had to leave. i couldn't stand being in there any longer.
it seems like everybody i know is freaking out. everybody is broke and stressed and bitchy. kelly's new roommate thomas is giving her grief. sweetest guy i have ever met, but sure can act dumb. the other week she went through some awful shit too, so she has been staying at my place lately. which is fine, but tonight i was by myself for a few hours and it. was. awesome. i love everybody at school, but the idea of three weeks without seeing them every day sounds pretty fuckin rad right about now.

bryce confused me beyond belief. a lovely brunch. watched a movie later that night. kissed in the rain. was pretty much bowled over by the cliche-ness of it all. talked tuesday night. went to his place wednesday night and ended up staying over...we didn't have sex. i'm not stupid. but i was so happy to spend the night with him. awkward morning. didn't talk for three days. a stupid conversation at reggae night on the phone. i asked him "bryce, do you want to hang out at all anymore?" he told me "that is the rudest thing." alrighty. called me last night to hang out.
I DO NOT SPEAK MAN LANGUAGE. manguage.

dance dance revolution

"hello," i answered my phone this morning from my place on alissa's mattress in her apartment.
"well, hello miss dance dance revolution," said bryce, the boy who i met dancing at the bourbon last night. who i went for brunch with today. who i then went for coffee with today. who's house i am now going to watch a movie.

quarter pounder double header

i am sitting in my apartment at 1:24 am, eating a bag of mcdonald's and staring wildly at my computer wondering why when i am trying to complete my formal outline which is due in a few hours, i come across the title 'volatile profile of stilton cheeses'.

i finally understand the life of a university student.

je sais comment

a girl donia who i am going for coffee with tomorrow just asked me what my interests are. i said edith piaf, mini-wheats, old buildings, pretty rainboots, and allen ginsberg.

well that was quite the weekend. saturday night was the jason collett show. i met him. i hugged him. the world imploded. and i died happily.
honestly though, it was an amazing concert. somehow richard's on richards got double booked (there was a fetish party going on after...i had to wade through the fetish-ees to get out) so the band only played for an hour. the opening band...rock plaza central? i loved them. jason was phenomenal. my opinion might not count since i was standing at the edge of the stage with my face turned upward in the utmost ecstatic fangirl expression, but they pulled together by the end and the last song - i'll bring the sun! of all songs - was phenom. phenom. the opening band suddenly appeared onstage with their trumpets and trombones, and i suddenly heard the sound of a cowbell behind me and turned around to see the drummer coming through the crowd, banging on a cowbell for all he was worth, and kelly and i were dancing and clapping and shrieking for all we were worth. it was an amazing moment.

but the show ended by 10, so we made our way to the cambie where we ran into mike and ben and a few other random german buddies. after this point and my fifth ginger-and-rye, i don't remember the night. i don't remember kissing mike, though there are pictures of it. ugh. i don't remember him confessing his undying love for kelly. i don't remember peeing on the sidewalk. i stayed in bed all of sunday. not doing that again for a while.
i shared a smoke with Neanderthal today. am beginning to think that is a lost cause.

all hallow's eve

i trekked into kelly's apartment tonight with a stack of dvds in one hand and a greasy bag of BK in the other. the dvds were planned. the bag of sin was not.
i screwed up big time at work today. i don't even want to get INTO it. anyway, after work i was so depressed that i slunk into burger king, and ate my whopper hunched over like the food-loving fool that i am.

halloween wasn't going to be very big. kelly and i just watched the shining, which is one of my favorite movies. we decided that nobody does contempt like jack nicholson does. he is the master of the ugly sneer, the how-could-you-be-so-damn-thick look. we also watched more eddie izzard, as usual.
my pals and gals in victoria are probably partying it up right now. its probably better that i did not go...because a) i can't afford it and b) my habit of getting posessive when it comes to The Engineer do not mix well with the random hook-ups that usually happen at parties. no doubt i would have forced something to happen, which in itself is probably the worst idea i could have right now.
Neanderthal and i were texting earlier, but that seems to have slowed down...coinciding, i'm guessing, with his drinking speeding up. tonight when kelly and i walked to schlockbuster and then to the 711 for soda to mix ourselves up some drinks, downtown across the water looked so pretty and so alive, i wished we were down there. but now i'm remembering i have a job interview at reitman's tomorrow (don't know how to feel about that), and a huge ass paper due soon, and a serious VISA bill probably in the mail at this very moment.

right now i can hear all these weird thumps and dragging noises outside. no joke. i am a huge horror movie fan, but i don't know how long kelly and i are going to be trying to fall asleep in separate rooms. happy halloweenie.

return of the bumpasaurus

it rain, rain, rained today. i suppose i should've expected it, and expect some more of it, but still. it was impossible to get out of bed this morning, especially after yesterday. last night went well though. farah who was FOH manager was this crazy middle eastern lady who called me "my angel" and "my sweetheart" and kept messing with me over the headset. "HEAD USHER!" "this is head usher." "nothing, i wanted to make sure you were listening." for the second half we hung out in the office playing solitaire, where i lost every game and farah kept yelling "you loser! you loser! i am going to laugh so hard, i think this will be my death, yes?"

my secret crush on Neanderthal seems to be waning. i say 'seems to be' because depending on what time of day you ask me it seems to differ. i don't know why. i do know now, however, that he is possibly the only other person in the world who knows what the phantom tollbooth is. he also remembered bedknobs and broomsticks far too well for someone who apparently only watched it when they were a kid. i find myself saying "fuck" to everything he says, "fuck thats awesome", "fuck that shit", "for fuck's sake". its not what i would call stimulating conversation. then again, my language has gone down the toilet since i started living on my own.

i have not used construction paper in ages. i just spent the past three hours making a cd for kelly, since her roommate/friend is moving back to alberta tomorrow and we will be watching scary movies at her place. i made a slipcover for it too...on the front is an owl, saying "hoo hoo...who's cd?"
i also just listened to sir mix-a-lot for three solid hours. you didn't think it could be done? well, now it can.

i won't. i? won't. i? won't. i? won't. i? won't. i? won't.

after the ultimate stress of the Ulcer-Inducing Project on monday, i needed a smoke. badly. and just like that, a month of cigarette-free disappears. Tristen was my generous benefactor in this cave-in. i love tristen. i've never met anybody so relaxed, and who doesn't think they are above anybody. everybody says they don't think they are better than anyone, that they are nice and friendly and will talk to anybody - even if they don't say it, they think it, i do it too - but tristen is the ONLY person i have met who will actually follow through. the sort of person who after only one time meeting them you feel like you could talk to about anything.
and he is not stingy with his smokes. that is a blessed rarity.

Neanderthal helped me out with that too yesterday. baaaarf. don't know what to do there. halloween is also giving me grief. let's not forget last halloween - how could i? do i forget anything with big? no. my brain refuses to forget these things. tanya told me "people remember birthdays and anniversaries, but they don't remember every day of the year with their ex." then she bought me a blizzard. thank God for tanya.
anyways. i'm not likely to forget standing beside big at bright eyes, holding my cassadaga record to my chest and beginning to cry when he began playing the first day of my life, a song that big used to sing to me. and big just standing there, a foot away from me, mute. why would you ever go to a concert with your ex, using tickets you had bought as an anniversary present for each other? why? i'm not likely to forget the asian girl next to me, punching big on the arm and telling him i was crying. and him stepping to stand further away from me. i'm not likely to forget running out of mac hall, past josh and matt with confused looks on their faces. i'm not likely to forget sitting on the steps for the rest of the concert, plugging my ears and wishing it was over. seeing big in my mind, standing that way he did with his stupid hands in his stupid pockets and that silent, angry look on his face. i ruined bright eyes for both of us, his face said. fuck bright eyes. fuck conor oberst. fuck big's favorite band. fuck the first day of my life, fuck at the bottom of everything, fuck bowl of oranges. fuck that i can still hear big's voice in my head and the way he used to sing those to me.

i won't listen to bright eyes anymore.

news bulletin

LATE NIGHT FACEBOOKING WITH NEANDERTHAL

i know i'm into you, i don't know what to do.

fart. what began as hmm-you're-good-looking attitude about Neanderthal has turned into ohmigod-you-are-in-the-room-and-i-can't-look-at-you-because-i-want-to-date-you-and-had-a-dream-about-you-last-night type. attitude. fuck.
this makes my life ten times more awkward then it already is. when did this happen?? when? i hate having a crush. you get all awkward around them, and jealous when other people talk about them, and nervous that you're going to run into them making out with some girl you've never met at a bar. i got so stressed out about it that i caved and had a smoke. fuck. i was doing so well.

anyways. today was our last class with duncan. i was so bummed. we also presented our project, and sophie never showed...ughhh. i can't believe kelly and i spent nine hours in the coffeeshop doing that project yesterday. though it did lead to the birth of the best immature thing i have ever been a part of...
"there's way to insert this, I KNOW IT!!"
"...that's what she said."

baby, you may turn the corner yet.

i am liking working for matthew ebrahimi. he asked me to come in today since lynn couldn't. when i walked in the door and saw me sniffling, coughing, hacking as per lately he told me "we are taking lunch today, i am buying you lunch." we trekked to sweet basil, the thai restaurant where the waitress brought us some icewater. before i could take a drink matthew shouted "what are you doing? she is sick! don't give her any icewater! bring her some water with no ice." he told me later "you should never drink anything cold when you are sick. hot drinks only." and he gave me a juicebox for my throat in the afternoon.

after work i hopped a bus to subway, where i got a dose of bad 80s music on the radio and a severe dose of depression from being the only single person in the place. i ordered big and i's signature sandwich, because that's what i've ordered at subway for the past two years. even without him i still order it. i took my sub to the bus stop...sitting there eating the sandwich i used to eat with big being the only person without a significant other there.
i made it home and realized that i was going home to clean my apartment and do homework on a saturday night. now hotel rwanda is on and i'm watching it. i'm feeling pretty damn cheerful right now.

just like your big brother bob

i got a haircut, and got a real job.
i didn't actually get a haircut. i cut my own hair like, last week, in the sink in my bathroom. i don't see why not. i can't afford to get one.

am now working fridays at ebrahimi accounting and tax services. lots of numbers, lots of excel spreadsheets. i hate numbers and excel spreadsheets, but i liked today. my boss matthew ebrahimi is a cool guy. today he shouted at me through the glass window in his office "every day it is getting colder. every day it is getting colder, and every day i am getting older." then he laughed.
he also gave me some persian bread, which i actually thought was a rug because its huge and flat and wrapped in plastic. i thought it was leopard print. he showed it to me and i said "that's pretty." then he gave it to me and told me to eat it for breakfast with eggs and cheese. i've never been so confused.

now i'm home and my feet are FREEZING and i can't seem to shake this cold. ughhh. midterm on thursday went well...i hope. i sneezed and sniffled and coughed all over a certain Neanderthal on thursday too. not so cool. doing inventory count in the storage room with him...awkward. for me at least. i hate crushes.
sniffle.

and again. and again.

never, ever again.
longest weekend in HISTORY. six hours to get to victoria, six hours back. insane saturday night. it was so gorgeous there, and so good to see jenna. but never again.

add TWO hours to get to new west on friday. amazing meeting with judith and renee. renee had long red hair and a green beret. judith was a tiny older jewish women whose parents went to university with allen ginsberg. i just about fell over when she told me that. i loved walking and taking with her in the rain, and she invited me to her little apartment so we could chat some more. i want to be like them when i am older. renee used to run a shakespeare company in brooklyn. am looking forward to working with them at citystage new west.

job interview tomorrow at caffe artigiano.

puddle jumping

i let a very sick kelly stay here last night after an a&w run and a pint of ice cream we devoured at my place. that is terribly cliche. but it was also terribly good. haagen dazs vanilla caramel latte ice cream, and i am never going back.

packing, getting ready now. am meeting judith from citystage new west at 1, all the way in...new west. and then to the ferry. and then to the university. ugh, what a miserable day to be traveling. oh, well.
who knows what the day will bring. i'm guessing alot of wet feet and ruined hairdos. i couldn't, however, be more excited to see jenna. and...liam. i'm thinking he won't be too far out of my sight with jenna around.
by 'let a very sick kelly stay here last night' i meant 'made a very sick kelly stay here last night', since my phone had gotten wet and was now going haywire. first it dialed every number in my phonebook. then it tried to text half the people as well. then the voice command menu wouldn't shut up, so my cell phone sat on the dresser talking to itself for about half an hour. i was afraid it was going to actually start talking to me and implode or something.
also kelly fell asleep during eddie izzard dress to kill. so i put a blanket over her and went to sleep myself. my phone finally shut up, too.

and now i'm off, across the water, to victoria for the weekend!!

i love the smell of fall

ughhh back to everything. FART on this group project, i'll be fucked if i get a bad grade because kelly feels like procrastinating and sam can't apparently tear herself away from talk about dick-all with jenny. WOW, HOW OLD DO WE SOUND. anyway, i'm not busting my ass to pay for school just so that i can flunk out. that is a bit extreme. but.
speaking of busting my ass...am going to victoria this weekend for liam's birthday. well mostly to see jenna, but liam's birthday just happens to be this weekend. and i just happen to feel like drinking and dancing all night and singing old showtunes, which is what happened last time i was there. actually there is a video of that. ugh.

in other news, i ate all of my turkey day leftovers. back to grilled cheese and ichiban for this poor student.
and in even more news, i have been fake-messaging big. that is, i have been starting a message but never sending it. whoops. i blame this all on the dream i had where i hacked into facebook and somehow managed to creep all of his pictures, but he either had no face or he had this weird blank face. with a goatee. and in one picture he was in spain standing outside of a shop. in another he was playing guitar.

and in a last news bulletin, my newest roomie, bertram the spider, has disappeared since last night. if he surprises me, i will probably Tilex him to death (i don't know when this became my preferred method of spider killing. it's because i don't have to get so close then.). sorry bertram. don't say i didn't warn you.

it's the great pumpkin, charlie brown.

i love thanksgiving. i didn't feel like i had alot to be thankful for this weekend, but i suppose i do. my place. school. my family. my food, though usually it feels like lack thereof. my friends. the usual we take for granted.
sitting here now watching M*A*S*H and hearing how hilarious jenna's family thanksgiving was. somehow her family is always so hilarious, every get together is a riot, nothing ever goes wrong. that was bitchy of me. but some people and their perfect lives get under my skin. i don't think they've ever had something not to be thankful for.
watching coronation street now. it's the british blood in me. thanksgiving was good, i wasn't to crazy about it at first. good to see my uncle and aunt. tom & terry & tieghan were there, who i haven't seen in many years. tom has a voice exactly like troy mcclure from the simpsons. terry is one of those funky hip women, no matter what age they are. tieghan is sixteen... and everyone is talented and musical and smart and perfect. are we sensing a theme here? anyway, i may be spending christmas at their house. i missed my family in calgary.
and i ate so much i couldn't move. literally. this random dude from california told me he had "never seen a chick eat so much". i wasn't sure if this was cause the girls don't eat in california or because i had actually just eaten my weight in turkey alone. not to mention the pie i finished off.
now i'm home in my newly cleaned apartment. it's a bit lonely. doesn't mean i'm not thankful for it...i love this place. i love living on my own. i love pumpkin pie.

same thing as the other time, but now its your rights versus mine

i'm sorry, what? my blog has been identified as possible spam? just what are you trying to say there, blogger? the internet isnt interested in my thoughts, my doings, my life? isn't that what these blogs are all about. cripes. even the internet doesn't like me right now.

that was a bit of a sorry statement. anyways. this week can suck my balls. after the Head Usher Disaster, my landlords called tuesday night to chew me out for kel and i being too loud. i had no idea watching eddie izzard and laughing hysterically could be overheard. i suppose i should've, but honestly, should someone not have told me? instead, holly apparently waited for two weeks for me to clue in, somehow, that everything i do could be heard. i think there may have been a better way to handle that, on both our ends. i got upset. and everybody knows that this probably wouldn't have been as bad if it weren't for the Weekend Fiasco. damnit.
in other news, i had a job interview at smart set this week. better the devil you know, i suppose. after all, i know smart set like the back of my hand now. i even miss that damn store every now and then. no call so far. fuck.
right now i am in my pjs at 4 in the afternoon, eating noodles and watching the andy griffith show, now that matlock is over. not to be confused with andy griffiths, australian children's writer who was responsible for the cartoon show what's with andy? remember that show? man, he and doug were the shit. last night i stayed up til 1 in the morning catching up on doctor who. oh, david tennant. marry me.
shannon invited me out tonight, but i honestly do not feel like doing anything but staying in these pjs and staying home tonight. that is just too sad an excuse to not go out, so i told her i had english homework. also true. not very likely to get done.

oh, don knotts. marry me.

usha usha usha

well, that was awful. awfulawfulawfulawulawful. i should never be allowed to use a headset. was there not a global memo sent out on that or something?
head ushering was awful. i was so not prepared. i felt unsure all night. also there was a huge mix-up with some seniors and their walkers and their seats, and i ended up getting chewed out by a group of appearingly-sweet old ladies. i felt so bad. then a latecomer was with her friend, but i sat her in the seat that was on her ticket. then another latecomer was blind, so i let her sit in the back in my seat. daphne bramham, who was speaking, didn't exactly inspire me with her talk about polygamist Mormon colonies in Bountiful, BC. maybe because i've already heard and read about it so much (thanks, teila) but more likely because i spent the show either trying to work the headset or grinding my teeth because i was so stressed.
excuse me while i go drown my sorrows in a carton of banana berry juice.

maybe kentucky ain't so lucky

dinner at The Engineer's went well. nothing happened. nothing exciting, anyway. maybe exciting things WOULD have happened, but Philip showed up. we all got buzzed on tequila and played Wii. and watched arrested development. i know. stimulating, eh.
by the time 1 a.m. rolled around, The Engineer was asleep. Philip got up to leave and i asked him 'where am i sleeping?' he said 'i don't know. here's a sleeping bag.' i crawled into bed with The Engineer. 'are you awake?' i whispered. 'now i am,' he said. 'i'm not tired...' i told him. hint hint. apparently he was. we talked about home, and life in Vancouver, and high school, and our new apartments. i fell asleep and had a dream that he told me he didn't like the way i acted around him. he also told me that anything happening between us would be a bad, and only bad, idea. i wasn't very thrilled when i woke up.
and i hate to say it, but it felt nice to fall asleep next to a guy. the few hours we spent after we woke up, however, were awkward. awkward awkward awkward. he made me rice krispies for breakfast (did i mention that it was bratwurst with chicken orzo for dinner? delish.) and we played something on nintendo, i have no idea what. i was absolute crap at it. anyway, there was tension. and fuck, i wanted something to happen so badly. i don't know why.
nothing did. now it's raining and i am going to see nick & norah with james and kelly. i don't know what to think of james. i've never met anybody who stayed good friends with their ex, therefore making my job as friend easier, because there is nothing to do but hate them. not go to movies and maybe the bar with them.

gettin' lucky in kentucky

that was weird. blogger just told me that my cookies needed to be enabled or something. my cookies don't need to enable anything, blogger...

don't know what to think about my landlords lately. i get the feeling that they're not happy with me ever since the Weekend Fiasco, which is fair enough. i wouldn't be too thrilled about two drunk girls stumbling in at four in the morning while i was sleeping, screaming and trashing an apartment and calling men from the bar to come on over. oh, but wait. i WASN'T too thrilled, because i WAS sleeping. and it was MY apartment they had trashed. and all i was doing was trying to be a nice friend and let two girls from nanaimo stay at my place while i ended up quitting the black hole of soul aka urban outfitters that weekend and having a breakdown because that fucking job was draining me and now my apartment was a fucking mess. and was then told that if it happened again i would have to find. another. place. to live. and to be honest, it is NOT possible to find another nice basement suite for $550 a month in north van.
the best part about all of this is, what did i do? i tried to give a girl i had never even met a nice birthday by letting her crash after a night on the town. consequences: trashed apartment, four hours of sleep, and put in the black books by my landlord.
that is the last time i try to be nice to somebody.

while i'm on a rant, let's discuss blonde girl in english class. no idea what her name is. no real desire to learn it (especially after today). now what could her insightful views be on virginia woolf's the death of the moth? "this paragraph is like, stupid. it's like, she talks about this stupid moth and all this energy and then it like, dies? it's like, shut up already."
i think i got whiplash turning around to look at her. did you just tell virginia woolf to shut up? to be fair, i am an avid pro-virgina woolf reader. and in her defense, this girl had probably never even heard of her. later, blonde girl also gave us this little gem: "she's so like, random, she's like talking about ploughmen." oh, i am so sorry. i didn't even realize that virginia woolf wrote this essay for us TODAY.
i am not a snob. i am not the most well-read person i know. i don't even have anything against people who throw in the word "like" four times in a sentence; i am just as guilty of it. but i hate, i hate with a passion people who are stupid for the sake of being stupid. grow up. if you don't understand it, it's not stupid. for fuck's sake. and since i am so being so dramatic, i can throw this out there - i despair.

in other news, The Engineer invited me over for dinner tomorrow. that is, The Engineer asked me if i wanted to hang out this weekend and i pretty much told him only if he made me dinner. and since kits is a bitch for me to get there, i will probably be staying there. oops. don't even know if it's happening yet, but if it is...bad bad bad idea. oh this'll be good.

jean-marc says, "it will be not fun." amen jean-marc.

why do i crave coffee at 8:30 at night? i believe that's what they call an addiction. as of saturday that will be two weeks without a smoke. not that i was heavily into it to begin with, but i'm still proud.
what is this going on on so you think you can dance? i thought the auditions were over? why am i watching this? oh, God. i am such a bitch. amy broke her foot and keeps asking me to call her, but honestly. i don't know the girl that well. i was friends with her brother two years ago, i'm not sixteen years old, and i want to be there for the lady but...

finally finished my two projects. discovered i got a b+ on duncan's test. no comments on my fucking brilliance, but not bad. we now have to go in groups of four for a presentations project. fuck nick for being so hot in a manly, neanderthal sort of way.
the people on so you think you can dance are shuffling around in awkward pair like they're at a junior high school. and i'm eating scotch broth.

when things aren't going your way, see a movie. even if it's a bad one.

i had a dream saturday night that i found out big had impregnated and was now engaged to my friend eve, who by the way is 24 and has never laid eyes on big in her life. i think. i woke up halfway through my sobbing admonition to a very pregnant and wide-eyed eve that it was very hard for me and she could probably never understand and i could probably never be truly happy for her. it was very sad.
so the end of my weekend wasn't off to an amazing start. going to white rock and seeing my uncle and aunt was very good. youth church was amazing. i don't know if i'm ready to go back to church yet. so much of it reminds me of my life with big. but i felt good.
stayed at tanya's last night, realized today that i left my toothbrush there. toothpaste and everything. as if a house of three people would not have a single bottle of toothpaste. why do i bring these things? i took one look at tanya's giant deep freeze and just about wept with reverance. say HELLO to my three inch wide freezer which, by the way, turned a lovely box of fudgesicles into bags of milk mush with sticks in them. and yet i had to defrost my watermelon. why?
in my haste to leave saturday when the power was out in my kitchen, i forgot i had a pot of creamed corn i was heating up on my stovetop. which has no actual stove, its just two elements. which i had left on. i walked in the door today and thought, what the hell in here stinks? this place smells like burnt shit. and boy is it hot in here. i lifted up the lid on the pot to find a perfect round cake of petrified black cream corn. it was disgusting. it was coal.
my house still smells like burnt air. i'm surprised my landlords didn't call the fire department.

in dj low's class today we had a test. now, duncan is the man, in my books, and i want him to think highly of me. very highly. so highly in fact that he would say to me in his dignified gentlemanly british voice "i was very impressed by you, laura. i think that you're fucking brilliant." which he would say, if i had actually done well on this test. but i somehow doubt that. i could write a fucking NOVEL on strategic planning, but was that on this test? heavens, no. it was all external & internal output, and boards of directors, and fucking employment representative categories. i'm not going to lie, i felt a bit like crying after.
so when kelly called telling me that we were going to a movie, i wasn't about to argue. we saw the women. i was reminded once again just how much meg ryan bothers me in any movie but when harry met sally and you've got mail. she's so cutesy, and floppy, and never wears heels. she's forever wandering around in flats or weird sneakers flapping her arms and stomping and looking for junk food because of her latest break-up. don't even get me started on her in kate & leopold, where she never stops shouting and somehow CANNOT accept the fact that hugh jackman is in her living room, hers for the taking.
but at least it got my mind off of the Awful Test. tomorrow i am getting up at 7:00, making one LARGE pot of coffee, and getting work done. good plan.

all of the things that go to make heaven and earth are here

title of a new pornographers song, from challengers which i am obsessed with.
so i don't know when the shift happened that i now use the internet instead of the trusty journals i have been using for the past ten years...but it happened. apparently.

saturday night AT home, after working concession at CPAT. in my big white bed, hungry. going to white rock tomorrow for LUNCH...pretty fucking excited at the prospect of an actual meal. not of course that my half-baked half-frozen chicken entree and old scone i had for dinner wasnt an actual meal. the power went out in my kitchen. and is still out. i don't wonder if my landlords have something against me now...i ran into casey today on my way in and then walked in the door to realize that i STINK. that is what you get for staying at the bar and sleeping at french ben's tiny apartment in richmond. i don't care though, i could have listened to ben and mike talk all day. i love german accents. and french accents. and people who ask you "what taste?" instead of "what kind?" of slurpee.
danced all night, after the shitty bands stopped playing at the bourbon. excuse me, they weren't shitty, they were talented. so talented i felt like i was at high school battle of the bands. yeah, that kind of talented. had more fun cutting a rug to the old school 80s dj, which, as kelly pointed out, usually means its almost time to go home. but no, we were off to megabite and mcdonald's (sin), and then to ben's.
the show sounded good tonight, the kind that is a real experience. i experienced maureen, who snapped alot and was one of those puffed-up, i'm-so-busy-and-crazy-i-hardly-have-time-for-any-of-you types. i shouldn't say that, she was lovely. so was brendan, who worked with me and reminded me a little too much of my uncle in calgary. he gets a kick out of looney tunes, apparently. hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal...