i'll start wearing purple

ughh. i have been at the coffeeshop since 8 this morning working on this fucking damn paper. and by 'working' i mean i have written one and a half paragraphs. its due in four hours. i cannot do this.

giorgio bordello is telling me to start wearing purple for him now. it reminds me of last week when kelly and i went to the anza club for tight & bright, a party for the langara grad students. one of whom is my cousin cole, who i haven't seen in at least seven years. i was standing amidst the sea of spandex and pink tights, wondering whether he would even recognize when suddenly somebody was hugging me. one thing at least facebook is good for - people know what you look like now. probably the only thing it is good for, at this point. it was amazingly wonderful to see cole, and to talk to someone about my father's side of the family for once. we were both wearing purple skinny jeans. we even had a moment when we were standing talking and drinking, both scratching our heads with the same hand like a mirror image. you can't tell we're related. i found it awesome that we were very much alike after all this time. "i always thought you were the shit" i told him "you were always older and cool". "i always thought you were eleven" he said. apparently he's going on a tour of japan next year. see what i mean? the shit.

i can't do this. i've stopped caring about school. i've stopped caring in general. i don't know if its this damn rainy weather, or the fact that i've been in school for the past three months, or exhaustion from two jobs, or the past few weeks without a smoke (except for yesterday). maybe i miss home more than i thought. maybe i shouldn't really be in this program right now. maybe i should actually talk to people from calgary, even though i go out of my way to avoid talking to them. maybe its all these fucking money troubles i've been having. maybe i should just take a clue from the guy next to me and watch Futurama on my laptop for an hour in the coffeeshop.
that sounds nice.

overwise, wasted

it is 8:00 at night and i have not looked at the 1500 word paper due at 1:00 tomorrow. i am just not motivated.

i have to burp like nobody's business. i also have garlic breath from the awesome instant mashed potatoes i just had. that was the first dinner i've had in ages. i had the worst weekend. worst. weekend. friday night i was head usher again at a show...after the head usher disaster i was stressed to the max. then i missed my bus. the rest of the show went fine, apart from the FOH driving me insane. saturday i worked an extra three hours. saturday NIGHT i went to bryce's for his going-to-PEI-for-a-month-soon party. it was fun, singing with drunken maritimers trying to rap for a bit. after they left bryce and i had a little dance party in his living room. which turned into the couch. which turned into the bed. when suddenly a condom appeared.
i freaked out. "bryce i am NOT sleepin with you now" i said. i met you two weeks ago. this is the third time i have seen you. i don't even know you. what followed was the world's worst conversation which i don't ever want to have again. i didn't mean to give the wrong impression; i just assumed that someone i am not even dating and who calls me a "good friend" wouldn't think that we are going to have sex now. then again, there are plenty of people who have no problem with that. i am not one of them. he told me that maybe we should do this another time...the timing is all wrong. maybe we shouldnt do it at all.
"bryce" i said "are you telling me you don't want to hang out anymore because i won't put out?"
that's not it all he said. some people arrived. everybody got drunk and high. i had to work at 7 in the morning, and i was scared. the entire situation freaked me out. i sat in bryce's room and cried. i took a cab home at 5:30 in the morning after bryce passed out next to me. "here's twenty dollars...for your cab" he said, handing me a bill. "i don't want money right now...i am not a whore" i told him and left.

i got home at 6. i had a shower, changed, and was at work by 7:30. i worked til 1:30. i was up for 36 hours. i hated it.