i won't. i? won't. i? won't. i? won't. i? won't. i? won't.

after the ultimate stress of the Ulcer-Inducing Project on monday, i needed a smoke. badly. and just like that, a month of cigarette-free disappears. Tristen was my generous benefactor in this cave-in. i love tristen. i've never met anybody so relaxed, and who doesn't think they are above anybody. everybody says they don't think they are better than anyone, that they are nice and friendly and will talk to anybody - even if they don't say it, they think it, i do it too - but tristen is the ONLY person i have met who will actually follow through. the sort of person who after only one time meeting them you feel like you could talk to about anything.
and he is not stingy with his smokes. that is a blessed rarity.

Neanderthal helped me out with that too yesterday. baaaarf. don't know what to do there. halloween is also giving me grief. let's not forget last halloween - how could i? do i forget anything with big? no. my brain refuses to forget these things. tanya told me "people remember birthdays and anniversaries, but they don't remember every day of the year with their ex." then she bought me a blizzard. thank God for tanya.
anyways. i'm not likely to forget standing beside big at bright eyes, holding my cassadaga record to my chest and beginning to cry when he began playing the first day of my life, a song that big used to sing to me. and big just standing there, a foot away from me, mute. why would you ever go to a concert with your ex, using tickets you had bought as an anniversary present for each other? why? i'm not likely to forget the asian girl next to me, punching big on the arm and telling him i was crying. and him stepping to stand further away from me. i'm not likely to forget running out of mac hall, past josh and matt with confused looks on their faces. i'm not likely to forget sitting on the steps for the rest of the concert, plugging my ears and wishing it was over. seeing big in my mind, standing that way he did with his stupid hands in his stupid pockets and that silent, angry look on his face. i ruined bright eyes for both of us, his face said. fuck bright eyes. fuck conor oberst. fuck big's favorite band. fuck the first day of my life, fuck at the bottom of everything, fuck bowl of oranges. fuck that i can still hear big's voice in my head and the way he used to sing those to me.

i won't listen to bright eyes anymore.

baby, you may turn the corner yet.

i am liking working for matthew ebrahimi. he asked me to come in today since lynn couldn't. when i walked in the door and saw me sniffling, coughing, hacking as per lately he told me "we are taking lunch today, i am buying you lunch." we trekked to sweet basil, the thai restaurant where the waitress brought us some icewater. before i could take a drink matthew shouted "what are you doing? she is sick! don't give her any icewater! bring her some water with no ice." he told me later "you should never drink anything cold when you are sick. hot drinks only." and he gave me a juicebox for my throat in the afternoon.

after work i hopped a bus to subway, where i got a dose of bad 80s music on the radio and a severe dose of depression from being the only single person in the place. i ordered big and i's signature sandwich, because that's what i've ordered at subway for the past two years. even without him i still order it. i took my sub to the bus stop...sitting there eating the sandwich i used to eat with big being the only person without a significant other there.
i made it home and realized that i was going home to clean my apartment and do homework on a saturday night. now hotel rwanda is on and i'm watching it. i'm feeling pretty damn cheerful right now.

i love the smell of fall

ughhh back to everything. FART on this group project, i'll be fucked if i get a bad grade because kelly feels like procrastinating and sam can't apparently tear herself away from talk about dick-all with jenny. WOW, HOW OLD DO WE SOUND. anyway, i'm not busting my ass to pay for school just so that i can flunk out. that is a bit extreme. but.
speaking of busting my ass...am going to victoria this weekend for liam's birthday. well mostly to see jenna, but liam's birthday just happens to be this weekend. and i just happen to feel like drinking and dancing all night and singing old showtunes, which is what happened last time i was there. actually there is a video of that. ugh.

in other news, i ate all of my turkey day leftovers. back to grilled cheese and ichiban for this poor student.
and in even more news, i have been fake-messaging big. that is, i have been starting a message but never sending it. whoops. i blame this all on the dream i had where i hacked into facebook and somehow managed to creep all of his pictures, but he either had no face or he had this weird blank face. with a goatee. and in one picture he was in spain standing outside of a shop. in another he was playing guitar.

and in a last news bulletin, my newest roomie, bertram the spider, has disappeared since last night. if he surprises me, i will probably Tilex him to death (i don't know when this became my preferred method of spider killing. it's because i don't have to get so close then.). sorry bertram. don't say i didn't warn you.

jean-marc says, "it will be not fun." amen jean-marc.

why do i crave coffee at 8:30 at night? i believe that's what they call an addiction. as of saturday that will be two weeks without a smoke. not that i was heavily into it to begin with, but i'm still proud.
what is this going on on so you think you can dance? i thought the auditions were over? why am i watching this? oh, God. i am such a bitch. amy broke her foot and keeps asking me to call her, but honestly. i don't know the girl that well. i was friends with her brother two years ago, i'm not sixteen years old, and i want to be there for the lady but...

finally finished my two projects. discovered i got a b+ on duncan's test. no comments on my fucking brilliance, but not bad. we now have to go in groups of four for a presentations project. fuck nick for being so hot in a manly, neanderthal sort of way.
the people on so you think you can dance are shuffling around in awkward pair like they're at a junior high school. and i'm eating scotch broth.