i'll start wearing purple

ughh. i have been at the coffeeshop since 8 this morning working on this fucking damn paper. and by 'working' i mean i have written one and a half paragraphs. its due in four hours. i cannot do this.

giorgio bordello is telling me to start wearing purple for him now. it reminds me of last week when kelly and i went to the anza club for tight & bright, a party for the langara grad students. one of whom is my cousin cole, who i haven't seen in at least seven years. i was standing amidst the sea of spandex and pink tights, wondering whether he would even recognize when suddenly somebody was hugging me. one thing at least facebook is good for - people know what you look like now. probably the only thing it is good for, at this point. it was amazingly wonderful to see cole, and to talk to someone about my father's side of the family for once. we were both wearing purple skinny jeans. we even had a moment when we were standing talking and drinking, both scratching our heads with the same hand like a mirror image. you can't tell we're related. i found it awesome that we were very much alike after all this time. "i always thought you were the shit" i told him "you were always older and cool". "i always thought you were eleven" he said. apparently he's going on a tour of japan next year. see what i mean? the shit.

i can't do this. i've stopped caring about school. i've stopped caring in general. i don't know if its this damn rainy weather, or the fact that i've been in school for the past three months, or exhaustion from two jobs, or the past few weeks without a smoke (except for yesterday). maybe i miss home more than i thought. maybe i shouldn't really be in this program right now. maybe i should actually talk to people from calgary, even though i go out of my way to avoid talking to them. maybe its all these fucking money troubles i've been having. maybe i should just take a clue from the guy next to me and watch Futurama on my laptop for an hour in the coffeeshop.
that sounds nice.

overwise, wasted

it is 8:00 at night and i have not looked at the 1500 word paper due at 1:00 tomorrow. i am just not motivated.

i have to burp like nobody's business. i also have garlic breath from the awesome instant mashed potatoes i just had. that was the first dinner i've had in ages. i had the worst weekend. worst. weekend. friday night i was head usher again at a show...after the head usher disaster i was stressed to the max. then i missed my bus. the rest of the show went fine, apart from the FOH driving me insane. saturday i worked an extra three hours. saturday NIGHT i went to bryce's for his going-to-PEI-for-a-month-soon party. it was fun, singing with drunken maritimers trying to rap for a bit. after they left bryce and i had a little dance party in his living room. which turned into the couch. which turned into the bed. when suddenly a condom appeared.
i freaked out. "bryce i am NOT sleepin with you now" i said. i met you two weeks ago. this is the third time i have seen you. i don't even know you. what followed was the world's worst conversation which i don't ever want to have again. i didn't mean to give the wrong impression; i just assumed that someone i am not even dating and who calls me a "good friend" wouldn't think that we are going to have sex now. then again, there are plenty of people who have no problem with that. i am not one of them. he told me that maybe we should do this another time...the timing is all wrong. maybe we shouldnt do it at all.
"bryce" i said "are you telling me you don't want to hang out anymore because i won't put out?"
that's not it all he said. some people arrived. everybody got drunk and high. i had to work at 7 in the morning, and i was scared. the entire situation freaked me out. i sat in bryce's room and cried. i took a cab home at 5:30 in the morning after bryce passed out next to me. "here's twenty dollars...for your cab" he said, handing me a bill. "i don't want money right now...i am not a whore" i told him and left.

i got home at 6. i had a shower, changed, and was at work by 7:30. i worked til 1:30. i was up for 36 hours. i hated it.

i think i'm getting an ulcer

sometimes i really don't understand the entire university system. i may have missed something here, but it seems to me that giving assignments so big i have to skip class in order to finish them seems like a step backwards.

i do have work this weekend. the ladies at reitman's are really nice. that doesnt mean i won't want to kill myself after my seven hour shift on saturday. oh, and i just found out that my tuition is six hundred dollars more than i thought. i just about had a meltdown in boyd's class the other day and actually had to leave. i couldn't stand being in there any longer.
it seems like everybody i know is freaking out. everybody is broke and stressed and bitchy. kelly's new roommate thomas is giving her grief. sweetest guy i have ever met, but sure can act dumb. the other week she went through some awful shit too, so she has been staying at my place lately. which is fine, but tonight i was by myself for a few hours and it. was. awesome. i love everybody at school, but the idea of three weeks without seeing them every day sounds pretty fuckin rad right about now.

bryce confused me beyond belief. a lovely brunch. watched a movie later that night. kissed in the rain. was pretty much bowled over by the cliche-ness of it all. talked tuesday night. went to his place wednesday night and ended up staying over...we didn't have sex. i'm not stupid. but i was so happy to spend the night with him. awkward morning. didn't talk for three days. a stupid conversation at reggae night on the phone. i asked him "bryce, do you want to hang out at all anymore?" he told me "that is the rudest thing." alrighty. called me last night to hang out.
I DO NOT SPEAK MAN LANGUAGE. manguage.

dance dance revolution

"hello," i answered my phone this morning from my place on alissa's mattress in her apartment.
"well, hello miss dance dance revolution," said bryce, the boy who i met dancing at the bourbon last night. who i went for brunch with today. who i then went for coffee with today. who's house i am now going to watch a movie.

quarter pounder double header

i am sitting in my apartment at 1:24 am, eating a bag of mcdonald's and staring wildly at my computer wondering why when i am trying to complete my formal outline which is due in a few hours, i come across the title 'volatile profile of stilton cheeses'.

i finally understand the life of a university student.

je sais comment

a girl donia who i am going for coffee with tomorrow just asked me what my interests are. i said edith piaf, mini-wheats, old buildings, pretty rainboots, and allen ginsberg.

well that was quite the weekend. saturday night was the jason collett show. i met him. i hugged him. the world imploded. and i died happily.
honestly though, it was an amazing concert. somehow richard's on richards got double booked (there was a fetish party going on after...i had to wade through the fetish-ees to get out) so the band only played for an hour. the opening band...rock plaza central? i loved them. jason was phenomenal. my opinion might not count since i was standing at the edge of the stage with my face turned upward in the utmost ecstatic fangirl expression, but they pulled together by the end and the last song - i'll bring the sun! of all songs - was phenom. phenom. the opening band suddenly appeared onstage with their trumpets and trombones, and i suddenly heard the sound of a cowbell behind me and turned around to see the drummer coming through the crowd, banging on a cowbell for all he was worth, and kelly and i were dancing and clapping and shrieking for all we were worth. it was an amazing moment.

but the show ended by 10, so we made our way to the cambie where we ran into mike and ben and a few other random german buddies. after this point and my fifth ginger-and-rye, i don't remember the night. i don't remember kissing mike, though there are pictures of it. ugh. i don't remember him confessing his undying love for kelly. i don't remember peeing on the sidewalk. i stayed in bed all of sunday. not doing that again for a while.
i shared a smoke with Neanderthal today. am beginning to think that is a lost cause.

all hallow's eve

i trekked into kelly's apartment tonight with a stack of dvds in one hand and a greasy bag of BK in the other. the dvds were planned. the bag of sin was not.
i screwed up big time at work today. i don't even want to get INTO it. anyway, after work i was so depressed that i slunk into burger king, and ate my whopper hunched over like the food-loving fool that i am.

halloween wasn't going to be very big. kelly and i just watched the shining, which is one of my favorite movies. we decided that nobody does contempt like jack nicholson does. he is the master of the ugly sneer, the how-could-you-be-so-damn-thick look. we also watched more eddie izzard, as usual.
my pals and gals in victoria are probably partying it up right now. its probably better that i did not go...because a) i can't afford it and b) my habit of getting posessive when it comes to The Engineer do not mix well with the random hook-ups that usually happen at parties. no doubt i would have forced something to happen, which in itself is probably the worst idea i could have right now.
Neanderthal and i were texting earlier, but that seems to have slowed down...coinciding, i'm guessing, with his drinking speeding up. tonight when kelly and i walked to schlockbuster and then to the 711 for soda to mix ourselves up some drinks, downtown across the water looked so pretty and so alive, i wished we were down there. but now i'm remembering i have a job interview at reitman's tomorrow (don't know how to feel about that), and a huge ass paper due soon, and a serious VISA bill probably in the mail at this very moment.

right now i can hear all these weird thumps and dragging noises outside. no joke. i am a huge horror movie fan, but i don't know how long kelly and i are going to be trying to fall asleep in separate rooms. happy halloweenie.